Check in the Bank
Read the story first: Check in the Bank.
You have read the story about the check in the bank. At that time, I did not know how to bridge the gap between our personalities. As I have written this book, I have come to understand how powerful these lessons are, especially the importance of recognizing strongholds and being intentional in how we live with each other. Our personalities were different. This is how I am wired, and that is how she was made. There were strong attributes in both of our personalities. I did not have the wisdom then that I have now. Through working, writing these stories, and developing this workbook, I have gained a clearer understanding. I can now see how strongholds began to form.
What took place when I got home was simply this. I knew her personality was different, and I was able to embrace that. But when we started talking, Cheryl responded with things like, “I’m not a Marine. I can never meet your expectations. No one can ever do that. You don’t have enough compassion. You don’t have enough grace. You don’t understand. Your personality is so strange. No man should be wired that way.” Each time she made one of these statements, what she was doing, consciously or subconsciously, was laying a building stone for the stronghold she was constructing. Instead of saying, “You’re right, I lost track of time,” instead of admitting the mistake and deciding how we would implement a plan in the future so it would not happen again, she became defensive and started building the stronghold. At the time, it did not seem like a big issue. I retreated. I understood her personality, and it was not worth an argument. Nothing catastrophic occurred. But later on, another small disagreement would happen, and the same pattern would repeat. Each time, more stones were added, and over time she built a place she could retreat behind, where she no longer had to take accountability for meeting the needs of my personality and the shared responsibility within the relationship.
You have read the lesson earlier in the book about the tape measure. This is where I debated with a teacher and virtually forced her to sit down in tears. As I was leaving the school, I was humbled. I knew I had harmed her. She was correct. She held up the tape measure, and I knew the ground I was defending was wrong. But in that moment, my pride would not allow me to back down. So I won the battle.
At that point, I had a choice. I could have walked away thinking, look how great I am, and started building a stronghold. All I had to do was continue to battle. My personality was strong enough. I was articulate enough. Even at that age, I could win the debate. I could have taken pride in that and started laying those cornerstones. But by God’s grace, through something instilled in me, I was hurt instead. I knew I owed her an apology. The mistake I made was that my fear was too strong, and I never gave that apology. But I did not allow myself to begin building that stronghold.
I have come to realize how strongholds are constructed as I have worked through this workbook. When I came back to this story, I recognized it as a turning point in our relationship, the moment when we failed to bridge the gap between our personalities. Over time, three years, five years, seven, eight years, Cheryl had convinced herself that what she was saying was true. The stronghold she constructed became real to her. What began to happen was a gradual degrading of how she saw me, because she had come to believe I was intolerable. In reality, nothing significant had changed except that she continued to defend her position instead of us working together to bridge that gap.
I have carried the scar of divorce for a long time. But through this process, I now understand how strongholds affect our thinking, our pride, and our behavior. Strongholds can take many forms, and they often begin in small, almost innocent ways. Alcohol can start with a single drink in high school or in a social setting and slowly grow into dependence. Drug use can begin with friends to ease emotional pain, or even with prescribed pain medication after surgery, and then develop into abuse. Promiscuity can be mistaken for love when we are young and then carried into relationships, leading to broken trust and infidelity. Insecurity can begin with rejection or comparison and grow into a false identity that shapes how we see ourselves and others. Bitterness can begin with a single hurt and, if not addressed, grow into a hardened heart that affects every relationship.
Somewhere in every one of our lives, there are strongholds.
After I came to understand how strongholds are formed, I also had to face one of my own. The stronghold I began to develop was retreat. About fifteen or sixteen years into the marriage, I remember saying something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I told Cheryl, “I’m tired of beating my head against the wall. If you want to live as roommates, then we will. I love you. Divorce is not an option, but I give up. I’m not going to keep making the effort. I’m going to stop praying. I’m just going to let it be.”
My hope was that those words would be strong enough to bring her to the table. It did not. That line in the sand has stayed with me ever since. My stronghold became retreat. Instead of continuing to stand, I pulled back. I am not certain of all the outcomes, but I know this, I failed to hold the line. I left the perimeter unguarded. I did not trust the Lord enough to continue to pray and allow the outcome to be His responsibility.
I have come to this realization in a simple way. As I have written these stories and developed this workbook, I have said more than once that if I had this understanding earlier, I might have been able to take these steps with Cheryl. Maybe in a group setting, with accountability, it could have made a difference. I do not know. What I do know is this, this book works. If your strongholds are not built too high, this can help you begin to dismantle them. Once you become aware, you must make a choice. You either stay in the stronghold and continue the battle, or you step out of it, come together, admit it, lay it at the altar, pray, and begin to take it down.
Comprehension alone is not enough. Once you understand, the decision is still yours. This book can bring you to that point of understanding. It can help prevent strongholds from forming, strengthen a healthy relationship, and deepen love through simple, intentional steps. But nothing changes until there is honesty. Strongholds like alcoholism, drug use, promiscuity, insecurity, or bitterness cannot be broken until they are first admitted. An alcoholic will never seek help until he admits he is an alcoholic. The same is true for every stronghold.
We have an obligation to lock down the parts of our personality that we know are not right. We know what they are. You have to crucify them, put them in chains, lock them in a cage, and do not feed them. If you do not, they will grow. That part of your personality will become stronger, and before long, it will take over. That is how strongholds are formed. Your personality will begin to control how you think, instead of you controlling your personality.
I am not a psychologist. I am not a trained professional. We are nearing the end of this workbook, but I need to say this clearly. If this story has brought you to a place where you feel you cannot continue in your relationship, that is not for me to decide. If you are at that point, seek counseling. Talk to your pastor. Get the help you need. I am simply a man who failed in a marriage, but I have seen transformation take place. I saw it in boot camp, and I believe it can happen in marriages as well.
I truly believe that if Cheryl and I had been able to admit the strongholds we were building, things could have been different. The steps in this workbook might have prevented them from ever forming, or at least allowed us to tear them down before they became too strong. I know this because I have seen it in my own life. In the tape measure story, if I had not been humbled, I could have continued building that same stronghold. I could have allowed that part of my personality to control me. Instead, I saw it, even though I did not fully correct it, and I did not continue building it.
Again, if you are at the point where you need counseling, a pastor, or professional help, please seek it. But if there is any way possible, stay the course. Finish this workbook. Your marriage is worth saving. And if your marriage is already strong, then strengthen it even more.
Scripture
2 Corinthians 10:4–5
“For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”
James 4:6–8
“But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.”
Romans 12:2
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”