Which Engine Do You Have?
Read the story first: Which Engine Do You Have?.
Nugget of Wisdom
Nobody puts the wrong fuel in on purpose. They put it in because they love the engine and never read the manual.
SOP
Sit facing each other. If comfortable, hold hands. Close your eyes and remove distractions. Think of a time you filled somebody’s tank with the wrong fuel. You were trying to help, you were trying to love them, and it stalled them anyway. Or a time somebody did it to you, and then got hurt because you were not grateful. Focus on the feeling in that moment, not on who was right. After reflecting, share your story with each other. When finished, come together as a group and compare notes.
Questions
- Which engine are you, gas or diesel? Mission, or care? Your partner answers for you first. Then you answer.
- Sixty-eight minutes in the grocery store. In your house, what is the sixty-eight minutes? What does one of you do that the other one reads as a failed mission?
- When you get the wrong fuel, what happens? Do you sputter, stall, or catch fire?
- What did your partner say tonight that told you they were trying to fuel you, and you did not recognize it at the time?
- What is the one sentence, like “Thank you for spending that time shopping,” that would change the whole situation in your house?
Closing Reflection
Neither one of those people in the grocery story was wrong. He was wired to accomplish the mission. She was wired to care for him. What he felt did not have to change. What he said did. Later, tomorrow, they can talk about the bank. That night, the groceries. They did not need to be rewired. They needed to understand which operating system they were working with.
Mission for the Week
Go to the auto parts store together and buy two fuel cans, or two labels, or two of anything you can write on. Write GAS on one and DIESEL on the other, and put your names on them. Set them where you both see them every day.
Then, this week, each of you catch the other one putting in the wrong fuel one time. Instead of sputtering, say the sentence. “Thank you for…” and name what they were actually trying to do. Once. That is the whole mission.
Near the end of the week, sit down and tell each other one thing you need in your tank that the other one has been trying to pour into the wrong hole. Say it plain, and say it without blame. Keep it lighthearted. If one of you ends up with two gas cans sitting on the kitchen counter for a month, so be it. That is the kind of thing the grandchildren remember, and it will be a good story when they ask.
The cans are not the point. The point is reading the manual on the person you married, and then fueling them the way they run.
Drafted for review — not yet approved by Ron.